Thursday, 18 October 2012
Currently in a cafe making my way hastily through a box of Kleenex.
On this occasion I do not happen to be having an emotional meltdown in public, (totally not my style anyway...) I have a streaming cold and therefore, instead of my usual coffee, I'm drinking a dark greenish substance made from liquidized vegetables which promises to transform my insides and give my skin an instant radiant glow.
I am currently in-the-in-between, and despite having ample time to lounge around in cafes, it is not a comfortable place.
When a half of your friends leave the city you live in, and a bunch of them get married, and you have no money, and are about to start a job working with some of the most troubled teenagers in the city, and haven't been out of England for 2 years when your hearts desire is to see the world and have adventures, it sort of puts you on edge.
My journal over the past couple of months has been a continuous re assessment of my life to discern whether or not I am doing 'OK' and heading in the right direction, and trying to convince myself that I haven't missed out on God's plans for my life, or my own desires for my life. However, what has struck me, is that although I would have liked to tick a few more of my 'to do in life' boxes by now, and perhaps feel a bit more comfortable in the present moment, I by no means want to 'settle'...which leads me to the conclusion that I have to learn to be content, and at peace, in the interim.
People's lives vary significantly in their mid 20s...single, married, living abroad, living with parents, living alone, living with friends...and for the most part, it is not a 'settled' stage of life by any means. It is inevitable that my life circumstances/job/location will continue to change over the next few years and beyond, and I certainly hope that that is the case, but with that, there will be unavoidable times, like now, when I ask myself 'what am I doing? who are my people? where am I going?'Where I essentially feel...uncomfortable. And if my sense of peace, fulfilment, and joy, comes from trying to manipulate my circumstances to feel comfortable and OK, I am essentially setting myself up to fail.
So I guess what I'm learning, or what God is wanting me to learn, in the interim, is that he is my sustainer, he is the definer of my identity, he is the constant, unchanging factor from which any sense of security can and must derive. If I miss this fact, then I'm missing the point. If my energy is taken up by trying to make my circumstances 'OK' & 'sorted', then I will neglect my heart...and it will only be a few months before I am going through exactly the same emotional upheaval all over again...and to be honest, I've been round this circle a few times too many already.
So, in conclusion, is an opportunity for my heart to be exposed, my insecurities to be laid on the table, and for God to essentially establish himself as the foundation of my life, as I learn to be lead by him into the unknown.